The rules of wedding etiquette are constantly changing, making it difficult for modern brides, grooms and guests to find up-to-date and correct information. Someone asked,”Is it okay to invite your ex, that your still friends with, to your wedding?”

Is it okay? Maybe. But maybe not. It’s as easy to imagine a wedding where the couple and their guests can all get along and be mature, respectful adults even when there are tangled romantic histories as it is to image gossip, drama or hurt feelings overtaking a wedding thanks to lingering resentment about past relationships. While there are certainly circumstances under which this can go off without a hitch, more often than not it’s a bad idea.

If this is a question you want to pursue, there’s really only one person who can answer it: Your other half. If he or she is fine — and by ‘fine’, I mean really fine, not tight-lipped, fake-smile fine — then it’s okay. But it’s crucial that you ask in private and without any pressure. This needs to be the other person’s call. By asking, you are showing that you put your fiancé(e)’s feelings and needs above anyone else’s — especially the ex’s.

Think, too, before you even ask about inviting the ex: Why do you want to? Is he or she also friends with your fiancé(e)? There are answers to these questions that would make it perfectly fine to have an ex at the wedding. But unless your partner and your guests would see it the same way you would, this may be bad idea in-the-making.

Weddings are emotional days. If the idea of having your fiancé(e)’s ex at your wedding is at all bothering you, don’t try to fake being cool about it — speak up. You’re only likely to be more upset and bothered by it on the big day. Concern about having a future spouse’s former flame at the wedding isn’t necessarily about jealousy or fears a partner has lingering feelings for someone else either. It’s also about focus. Where do you want the focus of the day — on the future, or in the past?